I've got an 1100 km drive to the airport. It's time to go, finally, before I forget who I am or what I'm doing.
Such a lot can happen in 3 months. This trip started out as an endurance test, with my ex, Jonathan, and there were a couple of times when I wanted to break his jaw. But it got easier as time passed, and we sailed through the world, through the beautiful Moroccan rockscapes, through the olive groves and hamada, to the end of the world on the coast of Western Sahara, and down through Mauritania and that is probably where everything shifted.
Then it was no longer about driving this Volvo with Jonathan, checking my email, and being "away." It was in here somewhere, probably in Dakhla, that I became this trip, or this trip became me. It's a subtle shift, and it doesn't always happen, but it's probably the main reason for going out into the world in the first place, at least to me. It helps to be gone for a long time, and it helps to be travelling in a rough environment, in whatever form that may take, there needs to be risk, and reliance on oneself, and some discomfort, and real consequences if care is not taken. It's not "adventure travel".
It's when things are just rolling, and it's no matter that the only thing you have to drink for 2 weeks is water super-heated in the sun, and no matter that you make the same three things to eat week in and week out, and no matter that there is no a/c, or water to wash with, and dust is everywhere, and the ground hurts your hip when you sleep. The environment doesn't have to be as extreme as this, of course, for this shift to happen, but it was in this case.
And then I felt challenged continually, by the poverty, the lack of rest, the continual demands for gifts, and the totality of the African experience, which, although I thought I knew in advance how it would be, still managed to take me completely off guard. I thought I had seen some of the world, travelling in Asia in the 1980s. But Africa is not really the same. I don't know if you could call most of West Africa "developing." There is a sense of hopelessness, what to do? How to fix this road? What about Malaria? This village needs a well. Never mind tractors, these people need draft animals. 6 of her children died. That one has a distended stomach. That one has never eaten an orange. And it goes on and on. The natural resources these countries sit on are more of a curse than a blessing, like Iraq's oil. This doesn't really fit what I used to think of as "third world." It's more of a "fourth world." Small wars, unspeakable atrocities, staggering disease, dirty water, regular famines, child soldiers and corruption......the unimaginable happens continually, nightmare and hardship.
My dreams were wild the whole time I was in Africa. Sometimes, even in the middle of the day, my perceptions would divorce from reality, and I imagined we were driving off a cliff, or into a truck, or the landscape became only visual, with no meaning, no consequences, no depth. Or we sat feeling the earth shake with the pounding of the surf as fog boiled up over cliff lip and the wild mad sea boomed and thrashed, unrecognizable to me. The African coast was like this. The sea huge, furious, and angry, like it must have been before humans crawled out of it. This was no longer the world I knew, although one could pull out a map and point, and explain, such an explaination only serves to illustrate the divorce from perception, standing on the edge of the world with the terrifying sea that I was afraid to look at directly, or the impossible vast Sahara, and the tiny corner we managed to peek at, stretching on for ever, in colours, and crags, and size that cannot be described. Day after day, like water carving out a canyon, or a small creek bed, our continual motion through this wore away and shaped what it had to. And by this time it's hard to see what's gone, and what's changed, and what now stands out in bright bold relief.
Then it was the end of the road trip, the car gone, and the two of us in Dakar, wandering around the market, like it was 20 years ago. As it was, this was a return to normalacy, setting the experiences of the previous 2 months, and preserving them.
But for me the biggest change was in and after India. I am used to people interacting with me in certain ways. Many people feel envy that I travel, or wish that they had the same life, or think I'm perhaps a bit crazy. Pity was never anything I have felt from anyone, and here it was, in India of all places. What I consider freedom, others see as being alone in world. Coming from Africa I was completely happy to have an operation in Mumbai, it never crossed my mind that I would like to have family members there, which is a good thing, because I wouldn't have had any family members there if I had had the operation in New York either! It wasn't until I saw how upset they were: the doctors, the nurses, the servants, my friend Mohammed. Here I have spent my entire life doing things in this manner, as an individual, not as part of a group, including a family, and it never occurred to me that this would be odd. I was so busy looking through my own lens that I never saw the 10,000 others looking back at me! Far from being a rich foreigner, able to travel and live a great, free and unencumbered life, here I was, sick with no family, and who would take care of me? Who would feed me? Who would advocate on my behalf? What a surprise.
I went to Thailand, still feeling this, certainly not lonely, it's not a simple thing to explain, how this felt. I had good friends at this conference, and I certainly felt supported. But this feeling from India is now there in me. And it has nothing to do with feeling pity for myself, it's something that came in and grew where it was supposed to, where it could not come before, and has given me a breathtaking new dimension in perception. I feel as though I've received a great gift, and this is a natural and right thing to feel, and some old habits and attitudes drop away, and it's good to see them go for change is life.
But here in the Middle East, once I finally stopped, and the nearly 2 weeks I have spent here in Salalah have added to this. It's already easy to meet people in friendly Arab countries, and I think Islam is a great part of this, because the Islamic world is usually concerned with hospitality, generosity, and community. But in the time I've been here, I've met so many people, and my interactions are different than they were in my previous life. They are better, richer, and more satisfying. It's also made the experience of being American more serious, even a little bit shattering. But it's the reality of who I am, wandering through the world like this, and how odd it is for most people, and it's odd for me too, I guess, although nothing seems more normal. But I feel as though I took a place in this world, finally, and not just scuttling along the edges of some open place or back room.
Life. Thank god for it. AlHamdulilah.